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Wednesday, February 07, 2007

The Most Obnoxious Writing That Nobody in This City is Reading

So someone hands you a nice juicy, platform for your writing. About 1,500 words in a big glossy magazine that, although largely regional to one state in circulation, is still a quality product respected and routinely honored for its sharp writing, design and content. You get a coveted spot opposite the back cover, for personal essays, to boot. And you choose to lead your piece with this:

"As a Texas mom, I always assumed that college would be a no-brainer. If you wanted your child to get a world-class education, you sent him to the University of Texas. If you wanted him to have unnatural congress with barnyard animals, it was off to Texas A&M."
Now, it's no secret that I'm partial to the state of Texas, to Texas A&M University, and quite specifically to one particular product of both. But that's your knock-'em-dead opener essayist Sarah Bird? A "they have sex with sheep at A&M" joke? Well, maybe you had better luck closing this piece about touring colleges in advance of your son's entry into the collegiate world. Let's take a look:
"My favorite parent question, though, came from the Korean dad on the Princeton tour. After the admissions counselor--herself a recent grad with, perhaps, a bit too much Ivy in her high-fiber ego--told us that P'ton admits roughly one out of every 9 million applicants, Korean Dad made up his mind. Stolid as a sumo wrestler entering the ring, he treated the admissions counselor like a particularly cagey used-car salesman who'd somewhow managed to close the deal and gravely announced, "Okay, my son go this school. Where I pay?"
What, no "Me so solly" joke to round out the characterization of "Korean Dad" and end this 1,500-word exercise in non-sensical, unfunny, snobbish, stereotypical hooey? At least the layout editors had your piece pegged. They titled it Tour de Farce". Suffice it to say Sarah Bird, my feathers are a little ruffled that we share the same last name.


Blogger Needtsza said...

Jesus. I went to West Virginia University and I don't even get jokes like that thrown my way.
Wow. sorry.

5:14 AM  
Blogger Phil said...

So am I the only person on the planet who did not apply to Princeton?

2:49 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

I love the smell of annoying bitches in the morning.

2:49 PM  
Anonymous kevin said...

what a shame. looks like I will not be renewing my subscription.

3:30 PM  
Blogger Eric said...

Now I didn't go to Princeton so I'm not smartest or possess the ambition to look up a stat like that but I find it a little hard to believe that a couple hundred million people apply to Princeton each year.

4:43 PM  
Blogger honeykbee said...

Maybe writing isn't her day job?

8:42 PM  
Blogger Brunch Bird said...

Oh, here's the funny thing. She's had like four books published.

1:36 AM  

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