The Most Obnoxious Writing That Nobody in This City is Reading

So someone hands you a nice juicy, platform for your writing. About 1,500 words in a big glossy magazine that, although largely regional to one state in circulation, is still a quality product respected and routinely honored for its sharp writing, design and content. You get a coveted spot opposite the back cover, for personal essays, to boot. And you choose to lead your piece with this:

"As a Texas mom, I always assumed that college would be a no-brainer. If you wanted your child to get a world-class education, you sent him to the University of Texas. If you wanted him to have unnatural congress with barnyard animals, it was off to Texas A&M."

Now, it's no secret that I'm partial to the state of Texas, to Texas A&M University, and quite specifically to one particular product of both. But that's your knock-'em-dead opener essayist Sarah Bird? A "they have sex with sheep at A&M" joke? Well, maybe you had better luck closing this piece about touring colleges in advance of your son's entry into the collegiate world. Let's take a look:

"My favorite parent question, though, came from the Korean dad on the Princeton tour. After the admissions counselor--herself a recent grad with, perhaps, a bit too much Ivy in her high-fiber ego--told us that P'ton admits roughly one out of every 9 million applicants, Korean Dad made up his mind. Stolid as a sumo wrestler entering the ring, he treated the admissions counselor like a particularly cagey used-car salesman who'd somewhow managed to close the deal and gravely announced, "Okay, my son go this school. Where I pay?"

What, no "Me so solly" joke to round out the characterization of "Korean Dad" and end this 1,500-word exercise in non-sensical, unfunny, snobbish, stereotypical hooey? At least the layout editors had your piece pegged. They titled it Tour de Farce". Suffice it to say Sarah Bird, my feathers are a little ruffled that we share the same last name.