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Friday, December 15, 2006

It's Why the Terrorists Hate Us Friday!

Item: Forest Faces
Cost: $12.95
Catalogue: Plow & Hearth

A few days ago I was saying that I think I might have to retire the WtTHUF feature. As I come across these things a little part of me dies, and frankly, I'm starting to wonder if there's enough of me to last through the Christmas catalogue season. Heck, I get three issues of The Sharper Image a week; that alone could put me in the grave before I so much as sip the first nog of '06. But then came the catalogue bearing Forest Faces and I said, 'You know what? This is needed. Now more than ever.'

What better way to show your appreciation for the natural beauty of a tree than nailing a polyresin face into it? "If trees could talk, they'd have faces like these!" reads the pitch. First of all, their ability to talk really has nothing to do with the appearance of their faces, so nice try anonymous copywriting drone somewhere in Encitas, California. Secondly, if trees could talk I'd pretty much bet they'd be saying "If you come near me with that shlock I'll hurl acorns at you like my not getting made into a box of fax paper in the near future depends on it." What really strikes me is that you know--you know--someone came up with this product idea after watching The Lord of the Rings. So while Tolkien was trying to make a point about peace and nature, some mouthbreather is thinking, "Booyah! Holiday sellout baby!" Oh, and I'm not even being facetious. Grumpy here (one of four styles they offer) is out of stock. Guess your cranky crabapples and pouty pines are going to have to convey their emotions the old-fashioned way: falling on your three-car garage during global warming-jacked storms.

11 Comments:

Blogger KassyK said...

AHH. That thing is scary as hell. In way too many ways.

2:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

While that product is undoubtedly a horrible waste of resources, imagine how many little kids you could get to pee there pants with about 50 of them and a forest.

2:49 PM  
Anonymous Sweet said...

This reminds me of Bruce the Spruce -- a scary electronic talking tree that they had in my local mall when I was a kid. It gave me the heeby jeebies!

3:32 PM  
Blogger honeykbee said...

Maybe next arbor day I'll treat him to a nice spa waxing. Something has to be done about those brows.

3:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Kids? Jesus, Eric, I might piss myself if I saw that damnable thing in the middle of a forest.

Come to think of it, those faces would really spruce up, say, the Appalachian Trail. I'll have to make time to head out there to nail faces on everything, so as to make the place more accomodating to fantasy dorks who venture out from their parent's basement for a hike now and again.

Also, looks like Grumpy could use a trip to the dentist. Those chompers looks rugged.

4:06 PM  
Blogger The Captain said...

I haven't read the rest of your WtTHUF archives yet, but I'd also add the following.

Beeper Pets
UGGs
Dolls that piss themselves

4:25 PM  
Blogger Brunch Bird said...

Bruce the Spruce? Terrifying. Does anyone else remember when McDonald's (I think it was them) used to have big shiny, plastic trees and the little orange stools you could sit on?

HKBee and SC- Yes, an Extreme Makeover "Forest Edition!" is called for.

The Cap'n- I'm always looking for reader submissions, so excellent input!

5:59 PM  
Blogger Kathryn Is So Over said...

Sweet, I always LIKED Bruce the Spruce in downtown Richmond! You're crazy! He was lovable, unlike these minions of undescribable terror.

7:00 PM  
Anonymous Sweet said...

Ha! Then apparently you were a much braver child then I was!

10:20 PM  
Anonymous Baker! said...

You think this wards off dogs from pissing on trees? I know my pup would probably freak out. Poor Static Cling, who has already pissed yourself just thinkin' about it.

11:07 PM  
Blogger I-66 said...

This could be worse. The first time I read it, I thought it said "Forest Feces."

12:49 PM  

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