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Friday, December 01, 2006

It's Why the Terrorists Hate Us Friday! Reader Submitted!

Item: LifeGem Diamond
Catalogue: LifeGem
Price: $19,999 for 1.0 Carat

With the holidays here, many are slipping into moments of quite reflection, mentally recounting memories of loved ones who have passed away. Well, that's for suckers. If you really cared about Aunt Matilda you'd have had her carbon extracted and compressed into a diamond in a high-tech EZ Bake Oven contraption in Elk Grove, Illinois. Courtesy of Brunch Bird reader Bruce come LifeGem diamonds. Tagline: "Like the memory of a loved one, a diamond lasts forever." LifeGem diamonds are made by extracting carbon from a lock of your loved one's hair, heating and compressing it. About five months later, you've got a diamond. Or, to be more specific, you've got your grandmother. The folks at LifeGem say that this isn't just a job for them, it's a calling to help people ease the grieving process. And if they happen to get $3,500 to $25,000 in return (that's just for the loose diamond mind you, not the setting), well then that helps them continue to carry on their mission.

They also offer pre-planning, so you can be sure that your family isn't left with yet another pesky detail after your passing. "Experience shows, this will be one of the toughest times your family will ever face. By planning ahead, you have made the situation much more manageable." There are also family packages to ensure that little Buster and Bettina officially have the creepiest show-and-tell item ever. And finally, or perhaps inevitably, there are pet LifeGems.

The LifeGem founders write, "We believe in LifeGems with every ounce of our soul." Something tells me that those souls have a previous commitment after death. With Mephistopheles.


Blogger I-66 said...

Quick question: What if your loved one was bald? Can they make a diamond from nose hair?

3:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good question. I smell a marketing avenue for celebrity worshipers. Imagine how many Elvis diamonds that place could sell. I shudder at the thought.

4:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Screw death!

Gimme a REAL 'rock' (sans human DNA) while i'm still ALIVE to enjoy it!

(Formerly Irish Red)

4:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That's what I'm saying: I can give you a diamond that includes the DNA of Clark Gable. It's genius!

5:11 PM  
Blogger WiB said...

Kind of takes the whole "trophy wife" thing to a whole different level, doesn't it?

I know I'm going to Hell; I'm just jockeying for a better seat on the bus is all...

7:09 PM  
Blogger SkippyMom said...

Hi! I am new to your blog and am reading the archives - laughing all the way....

I noticed you said you might discontinue this feature [fwtthu] - please, please, please...I am begging, don't!

I seriously had to windex the laptop after this post - who knew coffee was so, like, projectile?

I thank you for making my Saturday a great one!


9:23 PM  

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