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Tuesday, December 05, 2006

And This Little Piggy Cried Ho, Ho, Ho All the Way Home

It's occurring to me that Christmas is less than three weeks away and I've got to order a baked ham of sizeable mass for Christmas dinner. Which means locating and visiting some sort of ham-peddling establishment. Hilarity will no doubt ensue, as it did last Thanksgiving when I--a vegetarian of 12+ years--was tasked with buying a turkey large enough to feed the 16 family members coming to my home for the holiday. There was nothing short of a nervous breakdown in Whole Foods when the poultry guy asked me if I wanted an organic turkey, a fresh turkey, or an organic fresh turkey. The last thing I remembered before passing out on a rack of whole-wheat Twinkies was him telling me that it would be about $238.29, regardless.

So now it's the ham holiday. That should be easier though because way fewer people are involved this year and my understanding is that the ham arrives cooked and slathered in some sort of honey, saving me from repeating the second-most calamitous moment of Thanksgiving '05: the cooking of the meat. It was right around the "reach into the turkey's cavity and pull out the neck and giblet bag" stage that I reacquainted myself with the floor. My mother and father arrived in short order, stepped over my carcass, and whipped up a lovely Thanksgiving meal. But this year I shall triumph! I am confident that I will find this "Heavenly Ham" venue which is spoken about in reverent tones, or at the very least flip to the right page in the Dean&Deluca catalogue, and order up a cooked pig worthy of tiny baby Jesus' birthday.


Blogger honeykbee said...

Would you please show me to those whole wheat twinkies? This I gotta see

5:07 PM  
Anonymous etcetera said...

i recommend the honey baked ham company. i think they have a store in bethesda, in the same little shopping center as the trader joe's. (unless they've moved. but thats where they used to be.) you can reserve one and go pick it up (along with 45 other soccer moms). it's really delish. gets two thumbs up from etcetera the carnivore.

(I was veggie for about 5 months my first stint in africa b/c i got weirded out by seeing the chickens in my "yard" and 2 hrs later on my plate. but then my parents picked me up at dulles and we went straight to austin grill for chicken fajitas.)

6:06 PM  
Blogger regs said...

Heavenly ham is definitely the way to go, I've been assigned that task before and it is much easier than cooking it yourself. I worked with a lady once who overheard me placing my mom's order and offered me her "ham hauler" to carry it in. A foam cooler made to fit a heavenly ham perfectly. I kid you not.

6:11 PM  
Blogger Brunch Bird said...

I want a ham hauler. For no other reason than to say "I own a ham hauler." Priceless.

3:45 PM  

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