And This Little Piggy Cried Ho, Ho, Ho All the Way Home

It's occurring to me that Christmas is less than three weeks away and I've got to order a baked ham of sizeable mass for Christmas dinner. Which means locating and visiting some sort of ham-peddling establishment. Hilarity will no doubt ensue, as it did last Thanksgiving when I--a vegetarian of 12+ years--was tasked with buying a turkey large enough to feed the 16 family members coming to my home for the holiday. There was nothing short of a nervous breakdown in Whole Foods when the poultry guy asked me if I wanted an organic turkey, a fresh turkey, or an organic fresh turkey. The last thing I remembered before passing out on a rack of whole-wheat Twinkies was him telling me that it would be about $238.29, regardless.

So now it's the ham holiday. That should be easier though because way fewer people are involved this year and my understanding is that the ham arrives cooked and slathered in some sort of honey, saving me from repeating the second-most calamitous moment of Thanksgiving '05: the cooking of the meat. It was right around the "reach into the turkey's cavity and pull out the neck and giblet bag" stage that I reacquainted myself with the floor. My mother and father arrived in short order, stepped over my carcass, and whipped up a lovely Thanksgiving meal. But this year I shall triumph! I am confident that I will find this "Heavenly Ham" venue which is spoken about in reverent tones, or at the very least flip to the right page in the Dean&Deluca catalogue, and order up a cooked pig worthy of tiny baby Jesus' birthday.