It's Why the Terrorists Hate Us Friday! Live!

Item: iGallop Core and Abs Exerciser
Catalogue: Brookstone
Price: $499
For the nation that believes taking a pill will help you melt away that stubborn belly fat, comes the iGallop. (Incidentally, "iPieceofjunk" is apparently becoming the new "ePieceofjunk.") It's the device America has been waiting for: tone your butt without ever getting off it. This item comes to you directly from BWI Airport where people stopped and gawked as the iGallop bucked and reared its mechanical toadstool, all while a video played in the background featuring various women astride the thing trying to pretend that this was their ticket to an episode of Law and Order, not porn. I mean, "strengthening their core abdominal muscles." You'll notice in the picture of the Significant Other pointing to the iGallop (he's such a handy travel companion) that Auntie Anne's Pretzels is visible in the background, suggesting that Little Miss Lardmuffet could purchase her jumbo cinnamon 'n sugar pretzeldog with Cheezee marinara dipping sauce, then roll over and munch it atop this particular tuffet and the fat and calories would just disappear. Perhaps there is no more fitting item for this, the day we celebrate having lounged around the day prior stuffing ourselves by going out at 5 a.m. and getting into fistfights over $40 DVD players.