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Thursday, September 07, 2006

I Sure Hope That Chick From USA Today Isn't on Their Mailing List

Interesting column in USA Today this morning about how parents today are raising a nation of wussies. No arguments here. If I hear one more parent talk about how their child is allergic to the air that surrounds peanuts or about how germy every surface their child comes into contact with is, I'm going to make them watch me lick a grocery cart handle then lick their kid's stroller.

So imagine my delight when, courtesy of the previous homeowners, the One Step Ahead catalogue arrived today. Tagline: Because the alternative is being one step behind and that makes you a crappy parent. And it contained The Bumper Bonnet: Rookie walkers and crawlers are prone to bumps and bruises. Finally we found a toddler head cushion to shield baby's delicate head. (Talk about piece of mind!)

Peace of mind, apparently, that there will never be any doubt that your child will be unable to handle difficulty in life. And the best part? They advertise it for sizes 6-36 months. They want parents putting these things on 3-year-olds. If your kid is old enough to say, "You're off your rocker if you think you're putting that on me. I'm going to watch Blues Clues," then they're too old for The Bumper Bonnet.

Parents of America, I did the following before reaching age 9:
1. Hurled down a set of stairs while practicing my ballet moves.
2. Stood on a glass case to retrieve something higher than my reach.
3. Ate a radish out of the garden. Not from the garden. Out of the garden. Dirt and all.
I am still alive. I have a three-inch long white scar down the front of my left gam and a healthy mistrust of vegetables, but I am wiser for each of those experiences. Please put down the bubble wrap and step away from your child.

6 Comments:

Blogger Law-Rah said...

LOVE this post! (and agree completely with all of it:-)

3:22 AM  
Blogger Jeff Simmermon said...

I really dig this post too -- but I think I dig the fact that you use the word "gam" even more.

It used to bee that if someone was from Brooklyn, they were automatically pretty tough. Now, they're just as likely to be a neurotic wuss with a beard.

2:05 PM  
Blogger WiB said...

What it should read:
"Now, parents, you have a ready-made explanation for why your child insists on wearing a diaper on his/her head. The chin strap just makes it official. Available for 6 mos. to 27 years old." Because we all have that one friend who, sadly, could still really, really use it.

2:10 PM  
Anonymous Libba said...

Allow me to warn you that some members of your S.O.'s family would find items in this catalog HIGHLY ATTRACTIVE. They are a cautious people. They're not so much wussies are they are worriers.

That said, Amen, as I am pro-germ and encourage our offspring, for example, to stick his hands in as many dogs' mouths as possible.

5:19 PM  
Blogger Brunch Bird said...

Thanks, all. Nice to get feedback and not feel like I'm an old lady muttering, "Kids today, ehh, waddayagonnado?"

WiB-We certainly do all know That Guy. The only thing that would help That Guy out more is if they added a feature, making it The Bumper Bonnet 'n Lil' Stinker Barf Bucket.

L-No doubt. Our clan would probably swaddle the youngins' in sumo suits if they thought they could get away with it.
And that's the only way the boy's gonna learn that dog germs taste delicious.

5:33 PM  
Blogger allan said...

My son is 4 and one of his favorite games is to stack cushions from the couch against the sliding glass door and run full steam into them. Sometimes he manages to hit them, sometimes he doesn't :).

The point is, no matter how much protection a parent provides, kids will always find a way to hurt themselves -- I guess that is why there are so many "Jackass" clones out there now.

2:08 PM  

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