The Great Thing About Cell Phones Is That When Used Properly They Do the Voice-Transmitting Work for You

I'm on the train back from New York and the woman behind me is talking to her husband and two kids in Maryland. I'm guessing from her volume that she forgot her cell phone. (This nitwitt got on my bad side after she plopped down and promptly asked me to put my seat up. Answer: "No.") So in this conversation she's revealed in a series of joyful shrieks and moans to her husband that she "loooooves New York." Here's what had her ready to bust out with Sinatra: "Honey you're never going to believe where I bought clothes (pause before adopting theatrical singsong)...K-Mart! There's one by Penn Station! The K-Marts here are so nice that they're like the Targets by us!" (more shrieking ensued at her incredibly ironic find.) Then she starts crowing about the bagels and black-and-white cookies she bought at the terminal, "and honey you're never going to believe it--they're all kosher!" Imagine that--she found kosher snacks in New York! Look, I'm not so jaded that I can't cop to the fact that I still go a little giddy when I come up here. But here's the thing: I don't do it in the train car packed with people.

Now the woman in front of me on the other hand is at least having a much more interesting conversation. She hasn't stopped bitching into the phone about how her son's wife didn't pay her nearly enough respect for schlepping her tuchus up here for the bris. Sons of New York be forewarned: If you sent Nana home on the 163 yesterday you might want to keep an eye on the will. She's pissed.