"Keep your filthy hands off my rock."

Reasons my college athletic team will be better than yours this season:

1. With the exception of some admittedly intimidating games against Florida Atlantic and Louisiana Tech, we've got total a total cake schedule.

2. We've got the No. 1 pre-game tradition in college football, otherwise known as "the most exciting 25 seconds in college football." Now some of you truthiness sticklers will look at this list and say, "But Brunch Bird, it says that Texas A&M's yell practice is No. 1, and Howard's Rock and The Hill is No. 2." It does say that. But I've been to yell practice at Texas A&M. It's not better.

(Here's how certain I am: merely by pointing this out I'm guaranteeing that I sleep on the couch tonight.)

3. We've got a guy named James Davis who likes to catch footballs and then run really fast with them.

4. Our season kicks off Saturday at 3:30. The exact same day, the zoo is unveiling three new stars. Coincidence? I think not. Oh and they look cute and you want to hug them, but you can't do that. They will literally rip your face off.

5. Does your team play in the House that Hooters Built? No, they do not.

Game on, suckers.

"If you are going to give 110 percent you can rub my rock. If you are not going to give 110 percent, keep your filthy hands off my rock." Coach Frank Howard, 1909-1996