I "Almost Peed Myself" Seeing Zagat Had "Served Up" My "Heapin' Helpings" of "Hilarity"

I detest the Zagat restaurant guides. What modicum of information they offer about a restaurant is obscured by the sheer inanity of their style. Every time I peruse one I can only see the Saturday Night Live "Zagat" skit with Chris Farley in drag reading one to Adam Sandler as they try to find a restaurant for their anniversary. So imagine my delight to get an email some months back asking me to participate in the survey that would eventually become the 2007 D.C./Baltimore guide.

I decided that this would be good practice for my freelance writing adaptation skills. My mission: see if I could pen phrases so asinine, yet Zagat-worthy, that the Johannes Gutenbergs behind this burgandy Bible would simply have to include them. To be fair, I wouldn't lie about my general feelings for a restaurant. If it was good, I'd make a comment accordingly. Ditto if I hated a place. Guess what came in the mail yesterday?! Thanks to Zagat's online survey registration which saves comments, I was able to compare the new guide with the comments I submitted for 25 D.C. restaurants lo those many months ago. Total score: three hits!

The first two weren't really my best effort, but into the guide they went:
Ardeo: "delightful brunch!"
Mate: "outdoes NYC attitude!"

No, it was seeing the third comment, right there on page 139, that made my heart sing. Like a parent watching her child cross the stage at his high school graduation, or, get out of rehab:

Thai Tanic: "No sinking feelings here, the food is as buoyant as ever!"

It's that easy. Someone "stop them!" "Please!"